Turning 21

…and finally, I am on the other side of twenties. Some people asked me what was on my ‘birthday wish list’, and quite honestly, I did not know what I truly wished for upon turning 21. I already have everything a girl my age can possibly need (very cliched, yes). I am thankful for having the most supporting parents, an always encouraging sister, an ever sweet grandmom, and the most cheerful friends. S baked me a cake and took me to my old school, after which we visited a government school for a while where I got an opportunity to interact with the kids. At home, dad bought a cake and they all sang for me. It was a blessed day. The annual birthday visit to the temple helped me to focus upon the important things that life has in store for me this year.

A lot has to be conquered and achieved. A lot has to be changed. I promise myself that I will cherish every special moment and not take anything for granted. My life is special and I am born with a purpose, to make a difference, to spread goodness, and to inspire. When I foresee my life on a timeline, I want to remember it for all the memorable moments and people involved. Turning 21 is burdening, filled with a lot of expectations. I should challenge myself and rise above the expectations. I shall figure out what I wish from life, or it may randomly hit me on the head one day.

That day, I will catch hold of it, and run with it.

We learn by teaching.

“Akka, what do you want to do next?” she asked me.

The gleamy eyes of a eleven year old waited for a reply while I was setting the video playlist in the science exhibition organized by our department for the government school children of classes 6, 7 and 8.

“I want to go out and eat something; I’m hungry.” I told her.

“No no, not now. What do you want to do after studying?”

Whoa! A eleven year young girl wanting to know my life plans! Even my folks haven’t asked me this question yet. I wanted to tell her something that she could comprehend easily.

“Oh! Erm, I’ll be an engineer in one year…” I thought out loudly, still thinking of something appropriate to tell her.

“So you will work at a company?” she stopped my thought process.

“No no, I will study more…”

“Why?”

“So that I become a good teacher and come back to teach…”

The reply was spontaneous and almost came instantaneously. Maybe sometime in the future, given the opportunity and right circumstances, I wouldn’t hesitate a bit to be a teacher. I understand that there is still a long way to go for me, but it is one of the noble ways to give back and gain a lot more in return.

Our college has adopted many government schools across the state. Students help them out during the weekends by teaching english, computers, science and mathematics. I learnt a lot of things yesterday while teaching the children some basic physics experiments involving temperature measurement and thermometers. These kids had never seen any practical experiments before. I felt that the teachers in these schools need more help than the students. They are unaware of many concepts and in turn, misguide the students. Many kids were really smart and interested, and asked many questions too.

The kids viewed microorganisms through microscope for the very first time (Oh, The Joy!) , saw different metals flame up in different colors and awed while white light dispersed into rainbow colors from a prism, to name a few.

the importance of being alone

Today, I walked back home from college all alone, and it was one of the most satisfying experiences that I’ve had in a long time. I usually travel by bike but today I decided walk. It was sunny at first, but later became cloudy and drizzled a little. It was so pleasant.

Many years back, when I was in school, I used to travel by bus all around the city, sitting by the window, staring at strangers pass by and thinking about myself, my future, and the like. I miss that now. I’ve never given any time for myself in the past couple of years at all. There are always multiple thoughts running in my mind – all at once. It’s like one big traffic jam of thoughts in my brain, directionless and annoying. Today I learnt how important it was to spent time for “me” and not think/worry about anything for some time. I also realized that I am the most happy when I’m with myself. I don’t know how to confer this, but yeah. In his post to the class of 2010, Ben Jones writes, “#9. Carve out an hour every single day to be alone. (Sleeping doesn’t count.)“. This is such a simple thing, but so important and powerful. Of course, I am always alone in my room, but am I really with myself during that time? Not at all. Internet and books provide the best company, but they cannot think on our behalf. We are constantly interacting with people virtually, we never interact with ourselves. I had forgotten what I liked, what I wanted, WHY I wanted what I wanted…

I think the time has become such that we sort our daily schedule for everyone else, but never for ourselves. Our calendars are filled with appointments with other people; one has to take a lot of effort to make an appointment for oneself.

about my camera

I have a confession to make. My camera died two weeks back during the Pondicherry trip. The waves of the sea washed away my bag (which was safely kept far away just so you know) and everything in the bag got wet – along with my mobile phone and camera. I cried myself to sleep the next few days. I didn’t have the nerve to discuss it on the web so I just let it be. I felt that the news would hurt the people who made it possible for me. This is my first digital SLR camera and is the most special gadget that I’ve ever owned till date. Many memories are attached with it. It was something that I earned for myself, if I can say so. I remember the day I bought it with my dad. I remember everything – the past and the present associated with it. How many months I had waited for it! And all those moments and experiences of shooting with it!

I gave it for servicing today. It must be in working condition in 2 weeks, according to the confident service person at Canon. “I’ve repaired many big cameras which were drowned in oceans before, this will be ok madam” he said. For him, it is just another camera and another lens. For me, it is a dream turned into reality.

They say that if you lose something, you realize the worth of it. This is just like that. I don’t know if I should feel ashamed or guilty. That day on the beach, it was like I didn’t deserve a vacation. My friends’ phones got screwed too, but nothing even remotely comes close to this. I will NEVER EVER take a camera to the beach again! I am so glad that it’ll be alright. I have learnt my lesson. My sister always used to shout at me “you don’t respect the things that you have”. This keeps echoing in my mind every time something crappy like this happens or every time I buy something. While coming back home, dad told me that all gadgets get conked during their lifetime. It’s a part of the entire ‘gadget owning’ experience. After all, they’re just inanimate things. Good part is that they can be fixed.

Deepavali 2011 and the changing times.

Deepavali 2001

Woke up at 5:30am to join the kids army of the colony to burst the loudest patakas to wake up the locality with a bang. Beginning of the most awaited festival. Prepared for it from days before by buying huge boxes of fancy crackers, new clothes and sweets. Spent the entire day on the streets blocking vehicles and hopping from one neighborhood to another. Consumed so many sweets given at every house. Twilight meant lighting diyas and arranging them on compound and all around the house. Collecting dry fruit boxes and diaries that mom got at work. After the day’s excitement, spent the last hours on the terrace watching the night sky dazzle with delightful rockets.

Deepavali 2011

Woke up at 9:30am to the sound of a cracker burst by a dude somewhere far away in the locality. Had breakfast while watching national news on television. Had a single piece of cashew burfi. Spent the rest of the day working on project, tweeting, reading and sleeping. Sat by the window and watched heavy rain and thunderstorms in the skies while sipping tea. Skipped lunch. The sun will set in a couple of hours and I’m going to light as many diyas as I can and decorate the house, to keep a small part of the old times alive in my life. Also, if it doesn’t pour again tonight, I plan to stay in the terrace on a floor mat, covered up in a blanket and stare at the night sky forever, probably thinking about how Deepavali 2021 will turn out to be.

not an insomniac anymore

My sleeping routine is fucked and it is annoying the hell out of me.

I use to be a night owl (I would like to think that I still am to an extent) but these days, I can’t have a peaceful day without having slept for hours the previous night. The excess load work has taken a toll on me, leading to increasing stress levels that forces my mind to switch to a mute mode for hours at very odd times. A couple of hours back (at noon), I fell asleep working on my project report. Within minutes, I was woken up by nonstop chirping crows, noisy neighbors and roaring auto rickshaws on the street and it irritated the hell out of me. I was unable to get back to my peaceful trans-state and my head started thumping (it’s still aching by the way). My day is now ruined completely. I won’t be able to do any work until the head ache goes away. This will now affect my time schedule for the rest of the day and maybe even tomorrow. I may even have to miss a couple of classes to finish off all the pending work. Just thinking about all of this is causing more anxiety!!

I don’t think I can handle multitasking and getting involved in many things at a time any more. I deserve a peaceful uncomplicated life……………and I still need that sleep!

“kya maal lagti hai yaar”

It has been 2 years in college and I have still not got the hang of being in a 70% male-dominated group. I have been around guys before, yes, but this time it is a very different experience – the one that I am still not accustomed to. Precisely, 90% of the guys in the group are from different parts of the country and that is what is contributing many differences. What bewildered me at first was their attitude towards girls. I am not a hardcore feminist or anything, but I think when you are 20 years into experiencing the world, that too in an environment like this, there ought to be some respect towards people of the opposite gender. Referring to a girl as ‘maal‘ and other words that are way beyond my comprehension level. I usually pretend to ignore such random comments (and prefer venting out my feelings here instead :|). I have been told that it is very common for guys to talk or behave like this, but what I cannot understand is how can they be cool with behaving this way right in front of other girls? As far as I have noticed, the other 2 girls don’t seem to be bothered about these kind of remarks (sometimes, they even encourage them – which is astonishing). This is not the kind of environment I have been raised in over the past years. In my school, boys and girls did go around and everything – but it was always clean, cheerful and decent. There was no use of abusive language and indecent behavior. The vibe that I felt there was different. I din’t have to be conscious in their company. I am not generalizing, but purely speaking from experience. Every day in college, I hear a series of cheap words and gaalis being used proudly in a single sentence. They seem to perceive women as “objects” that they can comment on in groups whenever they feel like.

Letting my feelings out, and writing about all this, I remember once a random friend from college asking me how I could tolerate to be in such a company and how “miss-fit” I must be feeling. The real answer to the question is- to be honest, these guys are my friends and have always been nice to me. They have never been rude or spoken cheaply to me. I wonder why can’t this attitude prevail for other girls too? Why can’t they be more open minded about the world and not come off as desperate wannabes? This is not really a north indian boys vs south indian boys thing. I’m sure there are all kinds of men in every region of the world.